😅 Hi. (Ahem) Ummm… I’m here to talk about first Samuel chapter 3.

😑 Not first Samuel, dufus. Second Samuel.

😅 Oh yeah. Second Samuel chapter 3. Uh… David… well he uh… starts a wife collection.

🙄

😅 Well he did. What?

🙄 Nothing. Continue.

😅 Right. So uh he has some sons. And he’s still in Hebron… And… uh, then this guy named Abner gets mad and switches sides. And… uh… oh yeah- then this other guy called Joab kills Abner. Cuz revenge.

🙄 They know all that already, genius. You’re supposed to have interesting insights and snappy humor.

😰 This is way harder than it looks. You should try it.

🤨 It was YOUR idea!

😰 I know! It’s just that she worked extra late today, then had to make dinner, and I thought that while she was out for a quick evening walk, we’d sneak in here and and do the thing and surprise her.

Surprise me with what?

😑 Ho boy. Now you’ve done it. You’re on your own. I’m out. 🚪

👋🏼😅 Hi. You’re back already? We’re not doin’ anything. Just in here lookin at the death of Abner and stuff.

Oh really….?

😅 Yeah. So why did Abner get so mad at his boat chef?

Who?

🙂 His boat chef.

I believe you mean Ish-Bo-Sheth.

🤔 Yeah. Him. Why did he get mad? Was it a false accusation about Abner sleepin’ with Saul’s concubine?

I don’t know. The text isn’t totally clear. I think it was probably a legit accusation. In the ancient world when a man wanted to take over another man’s family and assert authority, he would usually kill the man AND take over his harem. This concubine had been in Saul’s harem. So it looks like Abner – Saul’s General AND uncle – is making a power play and Ishbosheth is on to him.

😏 So Abner’s trying to be the new rooster in the hen house? 🐓

Well… yes I suppose you could put it that way.

🤔 Then why does he go stomp off to David if he’s so keen on taking over?

That’s why it’s a bit ambiguous. Abner’s reaction seems to indicate that he wasn’t actually trying to take the throne. Probably he considered it a mark of prestige to take over one of the royal concubines. But when Ishbosheth questioned his loyalty and motivation, Abner decided he’d had enough working for the new boss and would get more respect working for David.

🤔 It kinda feels like there’s more to this story than what we got.

Undoubtedly. But speculation is not an interpretation technique. We can only go with what the text clearly says.

😏 So Abner sings a chorus of “Take this job and shove it,” and encourages all the tribes of Israel to acknowledge David as their king.

Right. And Joab hears about it. He has, as usual, been out killing bad guys. And when he hears about Abner helping David he’s suspicious. Remember that Abner is the General of the army that hunted David for years. And after Saul died Abner and Joab were STILL opposing generals. They are old enemies. And most of all… Abner killed Asahel – Joab’s brother. And Joab has a score to settle.

🤔 So why does Joab take Abner to the middle of the gate to kill him? What does that even mean? Did they stand in the middle of the entrance to town or what? Is it like a shootout in a western?

No. Ancient city gates in the near east were not like this…

They were whole buildings. Like this…

The trend continued into castle building. That part became known as the “gatehouse.” It had rooms. The city gate was like a combination City Hall, Community Center, and County Courthouse. Joab could have the pretense of taking Abner aside to privately discuss some business. But his other brother Abishai is waiting to help kill Abner as revenge for Abner killing Asahel.

David does NOT approve of Joab and Abishai’s deed and in fact pronounces a curse upon his own nephews.

David mourns and fasts and even writes a funeral song for Abner. And, knowing David, he was probably truly sincere. And this REALLY helped him politically to win over the rest of Israel who had been loyal to Saul. Many of the men would’ve fought under Abner’s leadership. There’s hardly a family in Israel that didn’t have a father or brother or son who hadn’t fought with General Abner. Remember that in his youth, David himself had been in Abner’s army. And now their war hero has been murdered by the family of the new guy who wants to be their king. See how politically tricky this is?

😬 Yeah. Wow. So what’s David gonna do with Joab and Abishai?

Not a thing. He’s going to let Yahweh handle them. David said,

“I am weak today even though anointed king, and these men, the sons of Zeruiah, are crueler than I am. May Yahweh pay them back for doing wickedness according to their own wickedness.”
‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭3‬:‭39‬ ‭LEB‬‬

😬 Uh oh. I wouldn’t wanna be in their shoes.

Me either.

Well – thanks emoji italics friend for helping me out tonight. I was pretty tired. I don’t think I could’ve done it without ya.

😀 Really?

Yeah, really.

☺️ Aww shucks.

How about you wrap up?

😅 Me? Oh. Uh… ok. Uh… (ahem) Thank you, Friend, for joining us. We will continue with Second Samuel next week where we will learn what happens to his boat chef.

Ishbosheth.

😅 Yeah. Him.