“And sons were born to David in Hebron; his firstborn was Amnon by Ahinoam from Jezreel. His second was Kileab by Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; the third was Absalom the son of Maacah, who was the daughter of Talmai the king of Geshur.”
‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭3‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭LEB‬‬

Geshur was a region east of the Sea of Galilee. It was actually within the borders of the land allotted to the eastern 1/2 tribe of Manasseh. Absalom’s mother is a princess. She was David’s 4th wife and seems to be his first politically advantageous marriage. The King of Geshur is Absalom’s grandfather. Tamar is his full sister, so also of royal blood on both sides. Josephus records that she was one of the most beautiful young women in all the land.

But Amnon is David’s firstborn and heir-apparent to the throne. And he strikes me as a spoiled brat.

The text doesn’t tell us exactly how old Amnon, Jonadab (their cousin), Tamar, or Absalom are in this whole sordid affair. Based on evidence in the text, Amnon and Absalom are probably around 19 to 20 and Tamar is younger, (perhaps 15-17), when the initial events happen.

David’s family dynamics read like a soap opera. Jonadab, another of David’s nephews, is a brilliant scoundrel, Amnon is ruled by his hormones, and Absalom (the 3rd born) hides his sensitivity and deep desire for justice behind a mask of patient indifference.

I know that the text says that Amnon “loved” his half-sister Tamar. He didn’t. It was simply sexual desire; probably fueled by fantasies on his part.

And Tamar didn’t play along with the fantasy in his head. Interesting that his ruse is to have her make him food. That’s how he treats her – like a meal. He eats her up, and throws her out like trash. Her virginity (to her) is a singular treasure. You can only lose it once. To Amnon, she’s just a meal; something you eat anytime.

Notice the similarity between this and David’s sin. Bathsheba was the singular treasure of Uriah but merely a snack for David because he had the bedtime munchies. She was the one lamb to her husband while David was the rich man with a whole flock from which to choose. David’s casual dismissal of the death of Uriah is reflected in Amnon’s dismissal of Tamar.

Gee… I wonder where Amnon developed his sense of entitlement and thinking of women as a product to be consumed for pleasure?

As bad as the rape of Tamar is – and my heart just aches when I picture her with ashes on her head and the sleeves of her beautiful robe torn as if a wild animal had attacked her (one had). As bad as it is, the silence of her own father and his failure to do anything adds insult to this irreparable injury. If a girl’s father responds to her violation with…nothing, what she hears is, “You’re not worth enough for me to bother.”

The Law of Moses had much to say about this situation. Tamar may even be obliquely referencing Exodus when she tells Amnon that their father “would not withhold her from him.”

“If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged and he lies with her, he surely will give her bride price to have her as his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he will weigh out money according to the bride price for the virgin.”
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭22‬:‭16‬-‭17‬ ‭LEB‬‬

“If a man finds a young woman, a virgin who is not engaged, and he seizes her and he has sex with her and they are caught, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he violated her, and he is not allowed to divorce her during his lifetime.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭22‬:‭28‬-‭29‬ ‭LEB‬‬

The only acceptable thing would’ve been for Amnon to marry Tamar because he has violated her. But he refuses. She is now considered by society to be un-marryable.

David hears about this incident. He gets angry, but does nothing. David could’ve ordered Amnon (on pain of banishment) to marry Tamar. Amnon would’ve eventually gotten over his hormonal rage and given her children. She at least would’ve had a scrap of dignity salvaged.

But it’s probably not that simple. According to the Law, Amnon should’ve been excommunicated from the assembly of Israel.

“None of you shall approach anyone who is his close relative to expose nakedness; I am Yahweh.

As for your sister’s nakedness, whether your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether born at home or born abroad, you must not expose their nakedness.

Indeed, anyone who does any of these detestable things, even those persons who do so shall be cut off from the midst of their people.”
‭‭Leviticus‬ ‭18‬:‭6‬, ‭9‬, ‭29‬ ‭LEB‬‬

But there is no obedience to the Law. Amnon gets off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Could it be that David feels like it would be hypocritical of him to hold Amnon accountable when he had himself done basically the same thing with Bathsheba and God had forgiven him?

It’s dangerous to mistake God’s mercy for lenience – as if it’s not a big deal.

(See why moral integrity is so important; especially for leaders? How can you hold another person accountable for the very things you’ve done yourself? )

If no one else will step in to bring justice, Absalom determines that he will. But Absalom is Amnon’s opposite. Where Amnon rises and falls to his whims and wants, Absalom is calculating and meticulous.

Favorite Board Games:

Amnon – Hungry Hungry Hippos

Absalom – Chess

Two years go by before Absalom delivers his revenge. The poetic justice should not be lost on us. Just as Amnon tricked Tamar into coming into a trap with a meal, so Absalom sets up a meal to trick Amnon into a trap. A death trap.

According to the Law, Absalom should’ve been stoned for premeditated murder.”

“But if someone hates his neighbor and lies in wait for him and rises up against him and murders him, and the murderer flees to one of these cities, then the elders of his city shall send and take him from there, and they shall give him into the hand of the avenger of blood, and he shall be put to death.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭19‬:‭11‬-‭12‬ ‭LEB‬‬

Absalom did not go to a “city of refuge” because it was not manslaughter but murder that he had committed. So he fled to his grandfather, the King of Geshur.

“But Absalom had fled and went to Geshur, and he was there three years. King David longed to go out to Absalom, for he was consoled that Amnon had died.”
‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭13‬:‭38‬-‭39‬ ‭LEB‬‬

So David realized that something should’ve been about Amnon. Strange that he did nothing himself.

Of course, we never do that- talk a lot about “something should be done about…” but never doing anything ourselves. 🤨

David may have been concerned about his own (possibly damaged?) reputation if he welcomed a murderer into his home. David seems to be acting out of what is best for himself rather than what is best for his family. And I bet you a dollar, Absalom knows it.

I suspect that Absalom was a lot like David. Handsome (with his annual 5 lbs of hair!). Charming. Intelligent. Sensitive. Zealous for justice. His name is a compound of Ab (father) and shalome (peace). Ironic that there was so little peace between him and his father.

Joab, David’s trusted General (and cousin), plots with “the wise woman of Tekoa” to bring an indirect challenge and request to David.

This scene plays like a parallel to the Prophet Nathan’s confrontation of David through a story about a poor man and his one beloved ewe lamb. In both instances, David is presented with a made-up story that appeals to his sense of justice. The stories get past his defenses and help him see the truth.

And so Absalom is brought back to Jerusalem, but banished from David’s presence. I wonder if David worried that restoring relationship with Absalom would look like approval of murder. Amnon was his firstborn. He was grieved to lose his son. And so he just pretends his other son doesn’t exist. Only, pretending a thing isn’t there does not make it go away.

Sometimes keeping silent helps. Other times, it’s the worst possible thing to do. For two years Absalom lives in Jerusalem with no communication with his father. In that time he fathers 3 children. One of them, a daughter, he names after his sister, Tamar.

And the resentment builds. Absalom asks Joab to intercede. He gets the silent treatment from him too. Absalom finally sets Joab’s fields on fire in order to get his attention.

“Absalom said to Joab, “Look, I have sent to you, saying, ‘Come here that I may send you to the king to say, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there.” ’ So then, let me see the face of the king; if there is guilt in me, then let him kill me.” So Joab went to the king and he told him. Then he summoned Absalom, and he came to the king, and he bowed down to him with his face to the ground before the king. Then the king kissed Absalom.”
‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭14‬:‭32‬-‭33‬ ‭LEB‬‬

Absalom is willing to risk death in order to have some kind of resolution to this banishment.

It’s been 5 years since David has laid eyes on his son. He is now a mature man and a father himself. Josephus includes the detail that Absalom repents and begs David to forgive him. And he does. The text is scant. Father and son are reconciled, but it doesn’t feel like a very warm reconciliation.

Don’t think that all those years of being ignored and punished for simply trying to right a grievous wrong are just going to be forgotten. From Absalom’s perspective, David has become an ineffective king. When someone needs justice they get ignored. So Absalom is going to take it upon himself to do something about it.